As well as irritable, headachy and crampy. I am retaining fluids and I have a ‘middle aged zit’ the size of North Dakota that has taken to life on my chin.
My middle aged hormones are not being kind. But, as always, life goes on.
So I go to work today…do my hours. Make several errand stops on the way home. Just minding my own bidness…
My first stop, my neighborhood Target…or Tar-Jayh as I like to call it. I like the ‘big red bullseye’ even more now that I know ‘target’ and bullseyes (or for that matter surveyor’s markings) are terribly unPC. So…I pick up my ‘Tar-Jayh sells this stuff for less than the grocery store list.’ And please note that EVERY PRODUCT I placed in my buggy could be used by either gender. 3 types of Thomas’ bagels ($2.99 each there–$4.29 at the grocery store!!!); Target brand body wash; a 12 pack of Diet Pepsi; Mrs. Dash (again more than a dollar saved) and two bags of Dunkin Donuts Cinnamon Spice coffee (I had a $2.00 off two bags coupon that was going to expire at the end of the month AND Target had the coffee marked down to $7.00 per bag). I bought no ‘girlie’ type things; nothing that would note at check out that I wasn’t ‘BarryOhSoContrary’ EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT I USED MY DEBIT CARD…so…when my receipt prints out…I get ONE COUPON…NOT for any Target brand body wash; anything in the Mrs. Dash product line; anything Dunkin Donuts or coffee related…nope. I got plunked in my PMSing hand “$2.50 off two U by Kotex products” and the creepy little paper suggests to me that I should ‘stock up on my period stash.’ WHAT?!?!?!?!
I gain my composure; put my purchases in my cargo area of my little Jeep; and go to my next stop, my local grocery store…Giant Eagle. Like many grocery stores, Giant Eagle (or as I have called them since my youth…’The Big Bird’) has a frequent shopper card (their is an Advantage Card). You accrue saving on their gas stations’ gas (and can get free tanks full…being the bargain shopper I am…I coast in on fumes) and you get ‘special’ savings on instore items weekly. Admittedly they ‘track your purchases’ to give you discounts on product you use most…yada yada ding dong. So…I grab a little hand basket and set off to buy five, TOTALLY NONDESCRIPT, GENDER NEUTRAL ITEMS (a 12 ounce pack of mushrooms from produce; store brand nacho chips; bakery sausage buns; store brand waffles and a bag of their brand frozen french fries). Any human of any age (or stage of fertitility) could buy and eat that same list? Right???
So I get to the Giant Eagle check out, present my Advantage Card, once again use my debit card and along with my receipt I get ONE COUPON this time for $1.50 off ‘any Stayfree product.’ WTH???
Is it pheromones? Am I somehow emitting some ‘frequency’ that the oh so delicate computer scanners detect? Is it the big honking zit on my chin? Or, really creepy in a Big, Really Odd, Lives in His Mom’s Basement, Fetishy Big Brother way is there some master computer in the sky that tracks my purchases in 28/56/84 day cycles?
I can’t even explain this eerie ‘coupon machine knows my bodily functions’ away with ‘well it must some big marketing push…’ because they are product discounts from two different companies!!!
Its logical and good marketing when Jiffy Lube sends me a post card reminding me my Jeep needs an oil change and lube. Its quite another for my local retailers to keep track of MY bodily fluids and remind me ‘its that time of the month.’
And people kid me about my affinity for aluminum foil. But do I EVER GET A REYNOLDS WRAP COUPON?